It has recently come to my attention that American teens don’t really take home economics classes anymore. (And also that at one point the course was renamed Family and Consumer Science?) It makes me sad because home ec is one of the electives I remember best from my years. of college. The simplest approximation of cooking, the correct way to hold a sewing needle (with the pointed side away from you), how to work with a reluctant partner – these are all skills that I have retained to some extent, or that I at least briefly cross my mind whenever I search for tutorials online on how to perform some basic life skills.
I’m not sure what kind of teaching replaced the subject at school: fast coding? vertical videography? how to monetize yourself? – but I firmly believe that adolescents still deserve some semblance of education in home economics. Lucky for all of you Zoomers who read these words, I am up to the task. Call me Mrs. Z. Allow me the honor to impart practical skills to your still developing mind. That’s right, my child: this blog post is now your home school teacher.
Kitchen 101: How to cook eggs in the microwave
“But Mrs. Z,” you, a Gen Z cohort might protest, “I don’t need to learn how to cook an egg in the microwave. Modern technology and the drive to streamline all aspects of human convenience have spawned this thing called food delivery app, which only requires a few taps to get hot meals delivered right to my door in a half. time.
Okay, little shit, but have you ever thought about what would happen if your phone died, along with your computer and all the other devices in your house? Or what if you don’t want to support third-party delivery apps that drain both small businesses and workers? Also, what if you’re a student hungry for eggs in a dorm at 2 a.m. when the dining hall and most of the restaurants are closed?
The steps are very simple:
- Crack an egg or two into a small bowl or mug, depending on your preference for the handles.
- Add the seasons you like. I would recommend “salt” and “pepper”.
- Also add a little milk or at least water, you surely have at least some in your mini fridge.
- Moreover, this recipe is not vegan. Unless you replaced all animal products with plant-based products, but I didn’t test the recipe because no one in my school even knew what vegan was at first. But by all means.
- Okay, back to Eggy. Whip it with a fork or some other utensil and put that bad boy in the microwave.
- Warm up that bad boy for 30 seconds to a minute.
- Take that bad boy out of the microwave and use your physical senses to assess the situation. Does it smell like burnt? This means that you are probably over the allotted time. Does it look too runny? Well, you can still turn that bad boy into a gentleman.
- Stir the mister and put it back in the microwave for another 30 second interval. Zap zap! Beware of microwave radiation!
- Check and repeat as needed.
Congratulations, you have successfully cooked a scrambled egg in the microwave! Grab a spoon and savor your cup of chewy larva – you deserve it.
Sewing 101: How to Make a Pillow
Great job on the eggshells, folks. Now this next one is a college favorite around year 2005. What you’ll need is a thread, needle, scissors, and a DIY pillow kit that we’ll get you. sell at a premium price. price because the district budget is a bit tight this year and I have already had to pay all the eggs out of my pocket. In my day, the pillow options were basically illustrations of horses or dolphins that looked like Lisa Frank had drawn if she was on treatment for depression, but nowadays there are some really nice options on the market. Have fun with it!
- Take your two pieces of fabric and lay them flat on a surface. They should be turned over so that you can see the shape of the pillow upside down. One will be the front of the pillow; the other will be the back.
- Now lay them on top of each other.
- Sew along the three and a half sides of the square. I’m not sure how to explain sewing if you don’t already know how to do it. Basically you thread a needle, tie it off, and start pushing the needle up and down through the fabric – oh, forget that, look for it on YouTube.
- You still have your opening left, don’t you? Come on guys, I told you to leave half out. You will have to push the needle back into the holes upside down. I don’t care if it hurts your fingers, do it.
- Everyone who listened to my instructions, go ahead and flip the pillowcase through the opening. Thank you.
- Now is the cool part: stuff it! Take that polyester padding and stuff it in there. Be careful, this stuff clumps together so you can never wash that pillow, but that’s okay – a little squirt of Febreze can work wonders. Work it in the corners, yeah, that’s right. We’re aiming for a plump square that’s perfect for lunch break naps in the car.
- Take the needle back and thread again and sew this opening, easy!
You all did well, everyone. Remember to provide me with your parent’s credit card information if you haven’t paid for the pillow kit yet.
Cleaning 101: How to remove a stain
We’ve all been there. Sip spaghetti, sip too much wine – you’ll get there, kids – and presto! A new stain is blooming on that white blouse you’ve patched up for 11 years because you can’t stand replacing it. Do not panic ! You can still save this shirt. Here is what we will be practicing today:
- Remove the garment and place it in the sink.
- Depending on the cause of the stain, you can try one of the following solutions to remove it: vinegar, hydrogen peroxide, dish soap, white wine, laundry detergent.
- The general rule of thumb is to try to remove as much of the stain as possible without rubbing it further into the fabric or spreading it.
- You may need to dab, you may need to blot, you may need to soak. This is what is so interesting about this lesson plan, folks: each task is like a puzzle that you have to solve. That way I guess it’s some kind of video game? But you don’t even need a Nintendo Switch for that kind of free, family-friendly entertainment.
- Yes, last row, do you have a question? A Tide pen? No, I haven’t heard of a Tide pen. What is that?
Interpersonal Relations 101: How To Cope With Indifference
Here’s the thing, Sally, life is full of unfair situations. Is it fair that teachers earn around $ 40,000 a year, the maximum? Is it fair that I went back to school for this when I could have remained a bartender in Boca Raton and probably made a decent living and marry my boyfriend Ric and live within walking distance of the beach? Is it fair that Ric is now engaged to a golf course heiress and is cleaning the house for her but never lifted a finger in the six years we were together? No, but that’s how the world works. People don’t give a damn about the hardness of each other’s lives because everyone thinks only of themselves. No one will go out of their way to help you, be nice to you, or guarantee you a good grade. The sooner you find out, the better off you’ll be, and God knows you could use the advice of one of the only fucking adults in your life trying to prepare you for the real world. I’m doing you a favor here. For the last time, NO, I’m not letting you change partners. Now apologize to Justin and get back to your duty. These eggs are not microwave safe on their own.